Signs that you are no longer young

• You are asleep, but others worry that you are dead.
• You can live without sex but not without glasses.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age ... and isn't breaking any laws.
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• You make an appointment to see the dentist.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• Neighbours borrow your tools.
• People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• You have a dream about prunes.
• You answer a question with, "because I said so!".
• You send money to PBS.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You know what the word "equity" means.
• You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got cable for the weather channel.
• You can go bowling without drinking.
• You have a party and the neighbour's don't even realize it.
• You bend over just once to get multiple items.
• You are always saying "Why did I come in here?"
• Feminists don't mind if you call them "Sweetie".