The School of Wit and Quick Retort

There's this small town in the Midwest. The highlight of the year is in midsummer when the circus comes to town. And each year, the circus stages a parade through the town to attract the people to the big-top.

And everyone goes to watch the parade. And watching the parade is a young teen-age man, sitting on the curb with his friends. It's a small town, and this is the major event of the year. And they watch the parade go by - the lions and tigers in cages on carts pulled by huge matched Percherons - the trapeze artists and acrobats in skimpy costumes, which attract a lot of attention - the small brass band - the elephants - and of course, the clowns.

One of the clowns is wired with sound, and he banters with the audience along the parade route, and everyone can hear his jokes and witticisms. Eventually, he reaches where our hero is sitting, and out of everyone along the parade route, the clown picks this young man for his favourite put-down.

The clown asks "Are you the head of an ass?" and of course, the young man responds "No."

The clown asks "Are you the tail of an ass?" and again our hero answers "No."

Then the clown says "Then you must be no end of an ass."

At this everyone watching the parade bursts into laughter. (For it is a small town and they are easily amused.) And the friends sitting around our hero laugh loudest of all. And our young hero is totally humiliated and embarrassed, and slinks off home and hides in his room, resolving never to come out again. But saying to himself "One of these days, I'm going to get that clown!"

And if that was not enough, that evening his mother calls up to his room, and says "Come on down - the parade's on the cable station - and they are showing you right now."

Totally mortified, he stays in his room. Still thinking to himself "One of these days, I'm going to get that clown!"

With nothing to do, he starts reading through his old comic collection. And he sees an ad on the back page of an old Batman that he'd never noticed before.

In large print the ad asked "Are you the butt of everyone's jokes? Do your friends mock you? Are you left speechless by every insult? Then sign up for The School of Wit and Quick Retort. In 40 easy lessons in the comfort of your own home, you will soon be able to amaze your friends and annihilate your enemies with your repartee. Just fill in and mail the coupon below today."

Well our hero felt he had nothing to lose, so he mailed in the coupon and registered in The School of Wit and Quick Retort. All the time thinking "One of these days, I'm going to get that clown!"

It very quickly became obvious as our hero worked through the lessons, that he had a real untapped talent. He consistently got A's on all his lessons, and complimentary letters back from his instructors saying that never had they had such an excellent student. And when he completed the course, not only did a diploma arrive in the mail, but also a letter offering him a full four year scholarship to obtain a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Wit and Quick Retort. For the School of Wit and Quick Retort was not just a correspondence school, but affiliated with a major university.

And our young hero, seeing an opportunity to leave the scene of his humiliation, grabbed the chance to go to the big city. But as he got on the bus out of town, he was still thinking "One of these days, I'm going to get that clown!"

And our young hero spent four arduous years at university studying the theory and practice of Wit and Quick Retort. And he continued to excel, graduating at the top of his class, But in spite of his success, deep in his heart he remembered his solemn vow "One of these days, I'm going to get that clown!"

Of course, the University could not just let him leave with a degree, he was offered a further scholarship for a Master's Degree in Wit and Quick Retort, together with a teaching assistantship. Three more years of education followed. His masters thesis - "the Wit and Wisdom of New York Cabbies" was sold to Random House for six figures and was on the best seller list for nine months. (Soon to be a major motion picture starring Robert De Niro.) And throughout this success he continued to promise himself "One of these days, I'm going to get that clown!"

And naturally, once he got his Master's degree, the University offered him a chance to study for a PhD. Our hero could not turn this down. Two more years of his life in studying Wit and Quick Retort. His PhD. thesis - "Humor at Stake - the Quick Retort and the Spanish Inquisition" once again hit the best seller lists, and was the basis of a well known Monty Python sketch. Yet still the thought never left him "One of these days, I'm going to get that clown!"

Our hero, now a full fledged Ph.D., entitled to be called Doctor, finally felt he had overcome the humiliation, and could face the friends he had left so long ago. So he decided to return home for a visit, the first time since he fled town for the university. So he returned, not by bus as he had left, but in a brand new BMW (for he was a true yuppie at heart.) But as he drove down the long lonely highway towards his small Midwestern hometown, he never stopped thinking "One of these days, I'm going to get that clown!"

And when he arrived home, he totally amazed and astounded his friends with his newfound abilities. He had a ready retort for everybody. No-one could say anything without his coming back with a quick one-liner (unlike this joke) that just knocked them over laughing. And his new found ability with words was the talk of the town. Everyone wanted to be around him, to be his friend. But in spite of the continued merriment around him, the bitterness in his heart still burned. "One of these days, I'm going to get that clown!"

But only a week after his return, the circus was scheduled to return. And as our hero had already found out, that same clown was still with the circus. And our hero started spreading the word "I'm going to get that clown!"

And by the time of the parade, the whole town was anticipating the showdown.

But our hero avoided the parade. He wanted to do it in the big top. And he continued to tell everyone "I'm going to get that clown!"

That night, the big top was packed. Everyone was there. All anticipating a confrontation between our hero and the clown. And our hero was down in the front row, surrounded by his old friends and his groupies. And our hero continued to say "I'm going to get that clown!"

And they watched lion tamer acts, and elephant acts, and acrobats, and bareback riding. And eventually the clowns came on. And among them was our talking clown, still wired up for sound so everyone could hear his barbed witticisms. And he proceeded to wander around the ring exchanging insults with various members of the audience, particularly those in the front rows.

And eventually, he came upon our hero. And there was a light of recognition in the clown's eyes. He knew he had done a major put-down of this young man years ago. Could he do it again with the same line? It was a challenge, but he'd try.

The clown asks "Are you the head of an ass?" and of course, the young man responds "No."

The clown asks "Are you the tail of an ass?" and again our hero answers "No."

Then the clown says "Then you must be no end of an ass."

To the total astonishment of the clown, there is total silence in the big top. Not one guffaw. Not one laugh, not even a giggle or a snicker.

Everyone knows that our hero has promised "I'm going to get that clown!" Everyone is waiting in eager anticipation. What will the result of ten years intensive study of Wit and Quick Retort produce? What devastating put-down has he in store for the clown"

The suspense builds.

Our hero coldly looks down his nose at the clown, and in a quiet but clear voice that carries through the big top says: "Screw off, clown"